a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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