what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
