i just had sex bonerless
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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