I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
