Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
