my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
