I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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