I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
