Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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