we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
