Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
