I think I won the penis lottery.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
