so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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