I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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