I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
