I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
