I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
