Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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