I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
