the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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