my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
