Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
