I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
