One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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