I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
