Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
