just tell him i said nine months
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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