I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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