I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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