i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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