Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
