Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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