You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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