i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
