My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
