My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
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It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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