when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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