I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
