Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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