You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
