I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
