She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
