So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
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you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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