Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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