It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
