I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
