I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
