My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
