thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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