Cold hands, warm shart.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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