FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
