final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
