Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
