I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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