You smell like stripper and shame
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
