I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
