You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
