Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
