if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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